11 Thoughts People Have Right Before They Realize They're Not Safe In A Relationship

Everyone wants to be happy. It's just part of the human experience. This truth extends to relationships, where couples hope they have found their perfect match and will find joy in their love. This isn't the reality for everyone, though. Some will notice increasing unhappiness over time and will want to leave the relationship. But before they do, there are certain thoughts people have right before they realize they're not safe in a relationship.

According to the Oregon Health and Science University Center for Women's Health, "One in four women, one in seven men, and up to half of transgender and non-binary individuals will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime." Of course, not all unsafe relationships could be considered violent. Some are just toxic situations that people need to get far away from.

Here are 11 thoughts people have right before they realize they're not safe in a relationship

1. 'How did I get myself into this?'

sad man wondering how he got himself into this gpointstudio | Shutterstock

As someone is coming to understand that they are not actually safe in a relationship, there's a good chance that they'll wonder just how they got there. It may feel like these circumstances came upon them rather suddenly, or they may be able to see the path that led them there. Either way, they'll realize they are in a situation that they do not want to be in, and will wonder how it is that they got there.

Holistic health coach Josie Santi explained, "Likewise, the difference between a comfortable love and a love for the sake of comfort is the feeling of safety. With a comfortable love, you'll feel safety and trust no matter what. If you're in a relationship for the sake of comfort, you'll feel uncomfortable whenever you're not with them, out of a lack of trust in them or the relationship."

If someone does feel safe in a relationship, they're probably in a comfortable spot. Conversely, if someone feels uncomfortable, it is likely due to a lack of safety. If someone is wondering how they got themselves into a bad relationship, it's not their fault. They were simply seeking something that would feel comfortable.

2. 'Maybe I'm the problem'

woman who thinks that maybe she's the problem Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock

People have a tendency to blame themselves and, as such, believing they are the problem is one of the thoughts people have right before they realize they're not safe in a relationship. Chances are this is not true. A good rule of thumb to go by is that if a person thinks they may be the problem, they probably aren't. Of course, this isn't true in absolutely every situation, but it often is.

If someone really does think they are the problem, there are standards they can use to evaluate their behavior, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Litner, PhD. If they do things like avoid important conversations, don't take responsibility for what they've done or they aren't someone that people can count on, there's a good chance that they actually are toxic. Saying you're the problem may be a bit extreme, but it's definitely something to consider.

If someone finds themselves in an unsafe relationship, it's easy to blame that on themselves and think that they are the one creating the problem. However, if you're startled to find yourself in a situation that feels unsafe, you probably didn't do whatever was necessary to reach that point.

3. 'I have to hide who I really am'

woman who feels like she has to hide who she really is Kateryna Onyshchuk | Shutterstock

Feeling like you have to hide the person that you truly are definitely isn't safe. Instead, it's a sure sign that someone is not comfortable with their partner. Your partner should be the one person that you feel like you can completely trust and be yourself around. Feeling the opposite is a sign that something feels off. And if something feels off, you should always pay attention to that feeling.

Licensed professional counselor Sam Nabil agreed, saying, "You feel immense pressure to live up to an image and, as a result, you may end up feeling worried, anxious and depressed. You constantly fear that your partner will discover that you are actually incompetent or unworthy."

If someone isn't comfortable being themselves around their partner, they're essentially playing a role in their own life and allowing the relationship to control them. This isn't healthy, and it's a sure sign that the relationship isn't safe. If you have to hide who you really are, you should probably get as far away from that situation as possible.

4. 'Something isn't right'

woman who feels like something isn't right Pheelings media | Shutterstock

You should always trust your gut in all areas of your life, including your relationships. If something feels like it isn't right, it probably isn't. Having the thought that something isn't right is probably a person's subconscious trying to warn them that they aren't safe in their relationship.

You may think it's all in your head or you're going a little crazy, but that isn't true. If something feels off, you should pay attention to that feeling. It's easy to assume that a gut feeling doesn't really hold that much weight, but there is scientific evidence to back it up.

According to psychologist and psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner Timothy J. Legg, "The gut-brain connection makes it possible for emotional experiences to register as gastrointestinal distress. When you feel anxious, fearful or certain that something's wrong, you might experience stomach twinges, pain or nausea. That's where the name 'gut feeling' comes from."

Gut feelings aren't just instances of strong intuition; rather, they're actual physiological phenomena that remind you when something is off. Paying attention to those gut feelings is key because it will warn you of when you should steer clear of something, even if it seems relatively harmless, like a new relationship with a nice person.

5. 'Who can I go to for help?'

man who is wondering who he can go to for help wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock

When someone is coming upon the realization that they aren't safe in a relationship, they'll probably start to look for ways to get out and, perhaps even more importantly, get help. One of the first questions that is likely to come to their mind is who exactly they can trust to go to for help.

If someone feels unsafe, whether that is more of an emotional or physical feeling, they need someone else that they can depend on to help them leave that situation. For some, it's family and friends. Others may need to involve law enforcement.

Licensed professional counselor Dr. Jake Porter noted that a person from his profession could actually be who you seek for help. "Couples therapy fosters emotional safety by helping couples understand how they work together as a system," he stated. However, even if you don't feel like you have a trusted family member or a mental health professional in your life that you can rely on, there are volunteers who spend their time helping people get out of unsafe relationships.

Asking the question, "Who can I go to for help?" is a sure sign that you're in a relationship that not only isn't working anymore, but also one that isn't safe for you anymore. You may not have fully realized it yet, but the signs are there, and the seriousness of the situation is beginning to hit you.

6. 'My situation isn't as bad as other people's'

man who thinks his situation isn't as bad as other people's fizkes | Shutterstock

If a person is trying to convince themselves that the relationship they're in isn't really as unsafe as their gut might be telling them it is, they may play the game of comparison. Sure, the situation they're in may not be great, but that also doesn't mean it's as bad as it could be, or as bad as what some other people are facing.

In this case, someone could even talk themselves into being grateful for what they have even though it's not good. Licensed marriage and family therapist Amy Smith, PhD shared that she sees this occur often with her own patients. They will "minimize their own experiences and suffering" in an effort to cut back on overwhelm. This often isn't helpful, though. "At some point, we have to process our experiences and feel our emotions, or it will start to come out in other ways," she revealed.

Thinking whatever you're going through isn't really that bad compared to other people's hardships is invalidating your life experiences and making it seem like they don't matter. What you're feeling is valid, even if those feelings are telling you to move on to something that's new and better for you.

7. 'I have to be careful around them'

woman who thinks she has to be careful around her partner fizkes | Shutterstock

If you're not safe in a relationship and just starting to realize it, you may find yourself feeling the need to be extra careful when you're around your partner. As one of the thoughts people have right before they realize they're not safe in a relationship, this feeling of walking on eggshells stems from a desire to keep the peace and not cause any further problems in the relationship.

However, you should always feel like you can bring your true concerns to your partner and you don't have to hide them. Psychologist Helene Brenner and couples therapist Larry Letich noted, "When you feel emotionally safe with someone, your heart rate and respiration go down and even synchronize with the other person's. Perspiration, a sign of stress, is reduced. The muscles in your body relax. You're likely to express more of your thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative. You can better tolerate physical pain when they're with you."

Emotional safety opens up the door to feeling like you can share openly with another person, including your partner. If you don't feel emotionally safe with them, you won't feel like you can truly share your heart and be vulnerable. Tiptoeing around the person who should care about you the most is no way to live a life, and everyone should feel like they can be open with their partner.

8. 'I feel ashamed'

woman who feels ashamed in her relationship Just Life | Shutterstock

If someone is coming to the realization that they are not safe in their relationship, they're likely to feel a myriad of different emotions, including embarrassment and shame. Although whatever is wrong in the relationship is probably no fault of their own, they're still going to internalize whatever is going on and think that things could have been different if only they had found a way to do more somehow.

Psychologist Abby Medcalf, PhD defined toxic shame and how it differs from regular shame. "Toxic shame is a different animal and is a harmful state of mind that undermines mental health," she explained. "Toxic shame uproots our foundation (if we ever had one) and becomes a pervasive habit of thought, which leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless."

Toxic shame doesn't really do anything to help anyone. Feeling that kind of shame creates a vicious cycle, because it just makes you feel even worse than you already do, and realizing you're in an unsafe relationship is a pretty bad feeling. But you don't have to feel that way, especially when what's going on isn't your fault. Instead, you can show them who's boss.

9. 'We can change if I stay'

woman who believes she and her partner can change if she stays fizkes | Shutterstock

Someone who's close to realizing that they're not in a safe relationship may think their relationship will change if they choose to stay and work on it. Whether that means they will change as a couple, or they will be able to change their partner, or even they will be able to change themselves, something will happen that will make the relationship work again.

Licensed professional clinical counselor Misty Smith explained that some facets of people, such as their personality, are difficult to change. "People evolve and change over time," she said. "Our interests and approach to the world changes. Our experiences change who we are, and how we internalize and interpret the world around us."

In other words, people can change, but it's not easy to do so. If you're in a situation where someone seems very stuck in their ways, it may be better to move on than to spend more time trying to fix or help them. Doing so will only put you in an unsafe relationship for even longer.

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10. 'I'm just trying to make everything perfect'

man who is just trying to make everything perfect Prostock-studio | Shutterstock

The uncomfortable feeling of trying to make everything perfect is one of the unfortunate thoughts people have right before they realize they're not safe in a relationship. But nobody and nothing in life can be absolutely perfect. So, it makes sense that if those feelings that something is wrong in a relationship start to creep in, someone might just tell themselves that it's because they're trying to make life perfect when it just can't be.

By this rationale, if nothing is perfect, then it would make sense for a relationship to have some bumps in the road. Relationship and personal growth coach Jaime Spielmann noted that it can feel like perfect love is real, except it's still not very, well, perfect.

"True 'perfect' love isn't without flaws, just as life isn't without constant mistakes and learning," she said. "As partners, we will mess up. We will hurt each other and say terrible things out of anger. We will likely break promises and tell lies. Some of us will even have infidelity and break our vows."

This doesn't excuse actually being unsafe, though. Just because love can't be perfect doesn't mean it can or should make one actively unsafe. Imperfect love can still be beautiful and comfortable, not alarming. If you're not safe, it's really not love anyway.

11. 'How do I get out of this?'

woman wondering how she gets out of her relationship Natalia Deriabina | Shutterstock

If you're wondering how to get out of a relationship, there's a good chance that you shouldn't be in it. This is especially true when you start to realize you're not safe in the relationship. If you're looking for a way out, that means that you probably need one. Staying in a relationship in which you know you're not safe isn't worth it for any reason, and moving on is really for the best, even if it means being single for a while.

Clinical psychologist Lori Lawrenz shared that there are many ways to leave an unsafe, unhealthy, toxic relationship, even if it feels impossible. She recommended getting support from professionals and people close to you, as well as making it impossible for your former partner to reach out to you. Most importantly, she suggested that you "take care of yourself."

Getting out of a toxic relationship that makes you feel unsafe may seem impossible, but it's not. There are concrete steps you can take to get farther and farther away from your partner. If you're wondering how to get out of a relationship, there is plenty of hope.

Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.